1 year ago Alzheimer’s joined our family

I think if I am honest with myself Alzheimer’s had started loitering around the periphery of our lives a few years ago, like a stray cat that we were feeding at the back door.

I feel like the last few weeks have been the culmination of lots of little learning in our family’s Alzheimer’s journey.

Last May, when Mom and I were told she had Alzheimer’s, it felt like a tree had fallen through the roof of the doctor’s office, we were in shock.

Since then, I have felt a variety of emotions as we navigated the diagnosis, treatment plan, moving her across state lines, and daily care for the last 6 months.

My therapist asked me the other week how I can speak so clinically about Mom and her journey. As I thought about it afterward, I concluded that it is because I am quite good at compartmentalizing my emotions for me to have the mental/emotional strength to get up each day and keep caring for Mom. However, in doing that, I’m not sure I have allowed myself to feel and to process all of this. This week my therapist said, ‘perhaps you grieve your mom every day.’

That night I finally sat down and signed up for a caregiver support group. I also signed up for a memory conference for both Mom and I to attend. I watched a YouTube video for dementia caregivers (linked below). The video says “Grief not Guilt.” I had to pause it because my therapist and the counselor in the video are right- this myriad of emotions that I have been feeling is grief- grief for the woman who used to be my Mom, grief for the incredible relationship we had, and grief for the incredible relationship she had with Jackie.

I had a long, good cry watching and then processing that video. I also read the book mentioned in the video. I think that for the first time in a year I’m starting to accept Mom’s diagnosis, our lack of control over this disease, and my lack of control over her future.

A family friend had told us months ago that acceptance was key and I now understand what he meant. I also know that I now need to keep going on my grief journey, but not alone- hence the support group.

I am also realizing that I have compounding guilt from my stroke, brain surgery, Pepper the cat’s death, Robbie the cat’s death, and Mom’s diagnosis over the last 2 years.

My perfectionist tendencies continue to creep in to my judgment of myself as I care give for Mom, so I continue to fight those behaviors.

I continue to work on giving myself care through Bar method classes, horseback riding, massages, and therapy.

I’m not overworking, but work has assisted me in compartmenting my emotions and allowing me to focus on other things.

I will continue to work on naming my emotions, allowing myself to feel those emotions, and not feel guilty but grieve this continuous loss.

As those in the United States celebrate Mother’s Day this weekend, I wish everyone a very happy weekend and let this be a special reminder to tell the people in your life what they mean to you!

What are you experiencing that you aren’t acknowledging?