2 years

2 years ago, today I had the worst headache of my life, a cavernous malformation bled in my brain, and I experienced a series of seizures rendering me unresponsive. Upon arrival at the Morristown Trauma center, I was hypoxic. I would spend the next 2 days unconscious and ventilated in the ICU. I do not remember most of that week, or even parts of the weeks leading up to the stroke. I slept through or don’t remember 3 entire days of my life.

I never quite know how to treat these anniversary days, so I have decided to just continue living my life, after all this is time that I might not have had. Not every day can be a family vacation on the Mediterranean or a PTO day (especially when you used up all your PTO days on other experiences). So today I went to a Bar Method class, worked, attended my daughter’s winter concert, and attended a telehealth appointment with my Mom. I will finish the night at our neighborhood holiday party.

My life has changed drastically since December 5, 2023, and in some ways, I have a stroke to thank for it. I have reprioritized what I value. I have doubled down on time with others. I have focused more on experiences than material things. I used all my PTO days, which old Suzanne never did! I understand the lived experiences of others in a more profound way.

My therapist asked me recently if I blamed myself for having the stroke. I do not. I know it was outside of my control. The only thing I could have done differently was bring myself to the hospital sooner (PSA: If you are having the worst headache of your life, go to the hospital immediately!). If I had gone to the hospital sooner and the consequences were less drastic, would I have changed as profoundly? I will never know the answer to that question.

I will never be perfect, and I will always have something to learn. Recently, I have had days when I feel like I’m back to taking life for granted, as us humans often do.

This is what I do know: Take time today to hug the people you love, tell them what they mean to you, and that you are proud of them and then hug yourself and tell yourself that you are loved and that you are proud of you!