Walking out of the darkness

I'm not quite sure I can pinpoint when the darker days started to feel lighter. I think a combination of things assisted in moving me forward.

The first was the relief that James and I felt after the surgery. The risk of another bleed was substantially diminished. Within a few weeks I was cleared to raise my blood pressure and heart rate again. I was cleared at 12 weeks to go back to horse back riding.

I remained on disability until mid-March but I started to get into a routine of getting up, getting Jackie to the bus, and showering regularly. Showering became easier once the staples were out of my head and it was easier to look at myself in the mirror.

James' love language is walking. Every illness- hand foot and mouth, flu, COVID- or hospitalization- having Jackie, Dec 2023, and Feb 2024- is followed within a few days by an encouragement to go for a walk. Initially, I never want to go, but in the end I always go. The physical act of literally putting one foot in front of the other sort of forces the mind to also do the same. I used a cane at first and occasionally an arm, especially when it was icy. Then I could go by myself, but slowly. Jackie's bus driver saw the progress (I think more than I did) and she would applaud at each new stage (thank you Ms. Afaf!).

I also, for possibly the first time, started being very honest about my needs saying when I had a headache or when I was tired. I allowed more people to help than ever before.

I started reading for my personal development (having spent a decade only reading for my professional development). I had started going yoga and meditation when I couldn't raise my heart rate and I continued with it.

I started therapy and I don't plan on ever stopping. At the time though my focus was on processing my trauma and figuring out how to be less of a workaholic and then being done with therapy and going back to my old life.

As I went through the phases of grief for my old life and everything that happened I realized that there wasn't a way to just go back. Going back would have meant losing sight of this very life altering event. I looked for a lesson and a path forward. With the help of my therapist I found my new path in reducing the importance of work in my life and being more present with my family and friends that are family.

If given the opportunity for a new beginning, what would you do or change?