Living left to do

I took this picture of a bald eagle about to fledge from the nest in our yard in Maryland in May 2023. Like all of us, it had some living left to do.

I went through a season of life where several friends lost their spouse unexpectedly. During this time, I mentally prepared myself in case James was to ever predecease me. I also made sure we had the appropriate estate documents witnessed and executed. When I woke up in December 2023 it shocked me that through that period and thereafter it never occurred to me to consider if I were to predecease James. I realize that statistically, as a woman, I am likely to outlive him. I also realize that if I had died in December 2023 there wouldn’t have been much for me to process, since I wouldn’t have been the one trying to pick up the pieces. So, in addition to rebuilding my life to have a healthier relationship with work, I also studied the things I should have done if I had died.

One of the best resources, which I have now recommended multiple times, is “A Beginner's Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death” by BJ Miller and Shoshana Berger. It helps you consider all the things prior to death that you may want to prepare and even after death. It also helped me to think about patient advocacy, something I had learned about when working in pharmaceuticals. I spent a lot of time advocating for myself after my stroke. I will need to do it again for future health issues and in death, since the healthcare system is mostly built to save you/keep you alive not allow you to die peacefully.

I have also realized that almost no one dies on their terms. One of the hardest things I’ve had to process with Mom’s diagnosis is her slow mental decline into an abyss, which thankfully she won’t be cognitively aware of, but we will be. It is just not the way Mom wanted to go and not on her terms. But if I had died at 40 leaving behind my 6-year-old daughter, that wouldn’t have been on my terms either. There are so few things in this world that we can control, you would think that would free us from fixation, but instead I think it traps us. We place a large emphasis on the very minor things we have control over and like a hamster on a wheel we revisit them constantly and dwell and ruminate to our own demise. I am teaching myself (I’m not sure I will ever stop) not to ruminate or dwell, to focus on the present. I can prepare for death, but I won’t fixate on it. I can help others to prepare, but I won’t dwell on the potential of their loss. Because we all have some living left to do!

What is something you are working on for 2026?